Okay so the other day I took a walk because I just had a baby 2 months ago and bless his beautiful little heart I adore him!! However, with him came at least a few extra, huh hmmm...pounds! ;) we won't say how many exactly we will just leave it at that.
So while on my walk I begin to try to skip and I say "try" because it didn't go very well. Remember when you were a kid and you could run and jump, climb and fall, jump and land, leap and fly? Fly I say because if you leaped from a far enough distance it could feel like flying. hmmm I loved that feeling. Well I have not had a feeling like that in a LONG time. I have safely stepped from moment to moment trying not to slip. A far cry from my day's as a kid,. I think As a kid I could have easily fallen into the category of adrenaline junkie! I mean my friends and I would run around the graveyard in the middle of the night just so we could get chased by the security guards with their salt pellet guns. hmmm.... The day's of adrenaline rushing through my veins was incredible. It's been a long time. We never did damage, that wasn't the point, it was just to have fun. It has been a long time since I've felt the euphoric feeling of adrenaline. I am not saying I want to be reckless now. I just mean it is time to get it pumping again. And not like cardio, unless it's the fun kind ;) lol!...Like fun, like zest for life, like how it felt as a kid to leap off the swings and sail through the air. Leaping from tire to tire as you play tag trying not to get touched. Laughing and giggling all the while. As of late my life has been void of any real heart pumping fun. I have been void of any exhilaration!
So back to my walk, I was trying to skip, remember. Well, 2 months ago I underwent major abdominal surgery. With the blessing of our son also came the reality of how short life can be. And for me, a stirring of who am I? Have I done all that I could have, should have?
My son was due to be born, with the assistance of pitocin.( My contractions never did kick in.) He was a week over due and was dealing with a 2 vessel umbilical cord. In spite of this everything was expected to come along just fine. And it did, for the most part, I mean we are alive.
I went to the hospital for an induction at 6 in the mornin'. After about 8 1/2 hours of labor I finally got an epidural. Whew!! But you know I really don't like that dead weight feeling in my legs. Makes me feel so vulnerable and helpless. I mean literally, the nurses have to help you do everything. blah, it's just horrible.
I was that way for some where of an hour. However this is where the fun began. Unexpectedly our lil' boy's heart rate dropped to the 80's range and they were unable to get it to rise backup. They rolled me back and forth, from side to side. One nurse on each side of me alternately pushing me towards the other. They settled me on my right side as they examined the monitors to evaluate his heart rate.
I began to have a very uncomfortable feeling on the inside of my abdomen. It felt somehow strained on the left side. At this point I mentioned to the nurse that I wanted to roll back to my left side something didn't feel right, I was uncomfortable. Before she rolled me over she wanted to check his positioning. When she withdrew her hand her face became very concerned. She didn't say a word but was staring at her hand. I still had a huge bulge between me and the world and couldn't see her hand. However my husband did and said there was excessive blood. Almost on cue the doctor walks in, I notice his eyes get big, "when did that happen?" he asked. the nurse states "it JUST happened". he immediately came over pushed my knees to my shoulders and said push. So I did with all that I had. I pushed, nothing. He examined my cervix watched the monitor. Immediately the nurses pushed my knees to my ears and this time everyone is saying to push... and boy I am. But nothing is happening. Cyndy my nurse reminds me I have delivered a 12 lb baby "PUSH" she says. I do. To no avail. I even place my hand on my belly and can feel every time I push, my sons back arches against the inside of my abdomen but not moving down towards the canal. I look up and see my husbands face , he is scared. I am married to a big guy, he is 6'3 about 315 and built like a lineman. I've seen him concerned, stressed, but never scared. This frightened me. I realized something was really wrong at this point. The doctor takes him into the hallway and tells him "if we don't get this baby out now we'll lose 'em".
They moved me to the O.R. for an emergency C-section. So glad I was drugged for this. While in the O.R. before the C-section the doctor attempted to deliver the baby vaginally one more time, with the help of forceps, nothing. I swear it felt like they were trying to "dig" my baby out. All of this happened with in the span of like 5 minutes. It was a whirlwind. They performed the C-section, which felt a lot like them tearing into my abdomen. I felt no pain just the pressure and tugging and little bit of struggling. Remember when I mentioned I put on a few pounds? yeah they had to move all that extra weight outta' the way. Although they were doing a wonderful job at maintaining a composed voice and behavior the overall feeling in the room was a serious sense of urgency.
Finally at 3:59 pm our little boy emerged! Hallelujah! He was perfect! Absolutely beautiful. He weighed a healthy 8 lbs.12 oz. he was crying and responsive. There were no signs he had even been distressed.
I had experienced placenta abruption. That is when the placenta tears away from the uterus wall prematurely when this happens the baby's oxygen levels are reduced, hence the heart rate drop. They can literally suffocate in the womb. The degree of separation determines the need to intervene or not. Well the nurse later told us that we had at least an 85% abruption. Anything over 70% is critical, at least that's what we were told. Of course we learned all this AFTER the baby was born, which is good. This experience was traumatizing enough for my husband. Part of the reason my doctor tried to deliver him one more time was because with an emergency c-section there can be so many unforeseen complications, it's just safer. Well, they were able remove my son before he suffocated. However there were unforeseen complications which caused me to begin to bleed excessively . I was in surgery for another 1 1/2 hours while they suctioned, sewed, took organs out, put organs back, and overall just did a total cleaning of the abdominal cavity. Even though I was drugged beyond feeling. Even a little giddy and euphoric. I did complain someone was leaning on my ribcage too hard. and would they please stop. Only to later find out the "leaning" was actually large clamps that were attached to my ribs holding back the skin and muscles as they proceeded to stop the bleeding and save my life.
So what does this have to do with my walk...well everything. As I walked 2 blocks from my home I thought " I will cross and come home on the other side of the street", so I did. I hadn't however accounted for the portion where there is an empty field and no-side-walk. " what's the big deal", I thought. As I looked at the distance lacking sidewalk. I realized there were 2 trails. the one closer to the road. And a much smaller less traveled one closer to the fence line. Well me being me, opted for the less traveled route. hmm.. how come that analogy sound familiar? .... As I began on this trek I thought very little of how it would impact me. Aside from there being two separate options. Both routes lead to the same destination. Just the one seemed a more charming route. It required you to be more engaged in the travel. I had to watch my footings. Occasionally there were rocks, gaps. it swerved just a little. The path was quite narrow and at one point I got caught on the fence beside me. It was at THAT point I realized or maybe took the seriousness of it being barbed wire. ouch! Fortunately it got caught on my jacket, however I did have to carefully untangle myself as not to tear the material. or fall into the wire.
I couldn't help but to begin thinking of "the road less traveled". Where the path gapped and I was forced to jump over them I thought nothing of it. When the gappings became more stretched is when I began to question my ability to get over them. i repeated in my head " i can do this" I would stretch out my arms and leap and say "I want to leap". I like leaping then it became a fun lil' game I looked forward to the "leaping" gaps I would say I leap into my life I want to leap into my life...where that come from..i don't know and don't Care it was fun and even stirring some adrenaline. I was feeling exhilarated. I had moved from a large step, to jumping, and finally I was literally leaping over these gaps in the path. As I came to the end of the less traveled path I stepped safely back onto the curb then to the pavement and pretty soon I was walking on the sidewalk again and all while making my way home.
That night however was a new experience. I enjoyed an evening with my family as usual but around 11:30 pm fell into a conversation with my daughter regarding the kind of mom I've been and the kind I want to be. I found myself apologizing for not having been more patient and gentle. Found myself asking forgiveness. And around 1 o'clock in the morning was freezing!! Why I was freezing is beyond my understanding at this time, but feel confidant the answer will come. It always does. So my sweet lil' girl threw an extra blanket atop me. didn't help so on came another and another and yet another still until I had an extra 6 blankets atop me. that is a total of 8! Hello..Since I was still cold I decided to get into a hot tub to try to warm my bones. It helped and I eventually nodded off..
I awoke the next day not feeling very well, I had a soreness in my groin from the "leaping" I am sure. But here it is 1 day later and I am feeling great! Still a little sore but overall healthy, and great. Interesting, I wonder how many life events can be applied to my lil' walk? Being on a safe path. coming to an unpaved portion. Making a choice. Having an experience. Telling a story and changing your life. Having children is a lot like leaping you can go safely through the entire process of pregnancy but you must still leap into the reality of parenthood. And all the while you wonder if you will safely land or crash and burn! :)
